Hell Is Other People

Put my dog down yesterday. It was possibly one of the hardest things I've had to face.
Lost one of my best friends last year too, so there's that.

I've been considering seeing a therapist just because I feel like I'd want to see what they have to say about me. I want to ask them whether or not I'm supposed to experience a sort of epiphany and fall to my knees in sudden understanding of the mysteries of my life. Start crying, clawing at the table, asking him to show me the way.

The problem is that I already know exactly what's wrong with me, psychologically. I've read enough psychological and philosophical texts to understand the personal turmoil I'm experiencing. Therapists are supposed to bring all that hatred and fear to the surface, so you can face them and move past them. I've already faced them, I just react to them in different ways.

I feel like I'm always rationalizing my emotions, because I don't feel like they're important to me. If I can't understand and or explain my emotions then I can't give them power over me. I only do things I've experienced before, I don't like stepping into the unknown. The emotional realm is an unknown place for me.

If I ever cry it's for reasons other than grief, usually because of a frustration reaching a boiling point with no outlet. In terms of grief I hardly let myself go in front of others and even alone it's very minimal. Still I feel like the sadness just wafts up around me most of the time like some dark philosophical cloud of the repressed.

I feel like I've just been sad or angry for most my life, and now I"m indifferent. At least for the past few years I have been.

I'm not a sexual person at all, I find no need for it, it doesn't get me anywhere, I never crave it (closeness with others). I've never wanted to have a boyfriend of girlfriend or spouse or whatever it is. I seem perfectly content with myself, taking in the world around me. This is why I had that epiphany recently, the lawyer thing. I've been fooling myself since I was 14, trying to let myself know that all I want to do is go back to Japan and teach.

But I don't. I reaaaalllyyy don't. I'd rather be here, or somewhere else, sorting through cases, arguing, analyzing. I like that feeling, of being busy but enjoying- I barely ever experience this. I get bored too quickly. With a case, your attention is consumed by it for the majority of your time. Your week is spent typing up reports, collecting credentials, theorizing. I like these things. I am almost wishing school to just end asap so I can get on with this. My GPA isn't great but I really don't care, as long as I can get into some lawschool anywhere I'm good to go. As long as I can just practice, I'm good to go. Just get to the goal post, no matter what bells and whistles hang from it because of the type of school I get into or whatnot. I want to theorize and analyze and get PAID FOR IT. I don't want to work at a country club anymore, licking the asses of the rich. I'd rather sue them.

I don't know where I'm going with this: I'm lonely but I like it, my dog died, I want to study law, I dislike being with other people, I like being alone.